Think Positively

Since Monday after Freya's clinic appointment it's been pretty hard. It's made me realise how much Freya has gone through in her short life. If I'm being honest it's actually got me down a lot, not because she isn't amazing but because I just want her to get a break from it all. Will it ever end?

On Monday we got some horrible news about Freya's eyes and brain damage. We obviously take everything in our stride but for some reason this had hit me hard. I raised my concern about Freya not being able to focus properly. We knew Freya had brain damage, we've know since she was 5 days old that it wasn't going to be easy due to her brain bleed but as always you get on with it even if you feel like your world is going to end. We've not had bad news really since Freya left the Neonatal. Taking Freya home I felt on top of the world and we've not had any bad news since closing the doors at the hospital. I think you get a little out of touch with all the bad news and maybe, just maybe that's why I've taken the news so hard?

Our clinic appointment went really well until I raised my concern. The physiotherapist was unbelievably happy with Freya's movements and is getting on really well with her tummy time, we just need to keep doing it to get Freya to lift her head properly - she is nearly there! I spoke to our doctor at clinic about her eyes and holding back the tears was harder than I ever thought. We spoke for a while about what it could or couldn't be and honestly my heart was breaking. I was told that her brain and eyes may not be communicating properly, it could be a short term thing but also it could be a lifetime thing. It was explained to me that Freya can see, but her brain isn't computing what she is actually seeing hence why her eyes move a lot. She told us that we would get referred to a specialist that deals with this day in and day out - this gave me a lot of comfort. Holding back the tears, our doctor said to me I was an amazing mum taking everything in my stride and dealing with everything put in front of us. This has actually made me so proud of us all. I think there isn't anything you can do apart from deal with every bump that is put in front of you.

Getting home on Monday and holding Freya I just broke. I balled my eyes out with everything I'd been told, not only because of our news but because it made me realise how much my little girl has been through. It made all the emotions from the hospital come running back and it hit me well and truly in the face. I didn't want to put Freya down as I felt she was the only person to calm me down through my break down. I looked and her and thought, when is this going to stop? I do know when we started this journey it was never going to be and easy process but I don't think it makes it easier to see the little human you made go through hell. Over the last couple of days I've felt better but still have my moments where I just break my heart. Keir has been amazing and I know he has had his heart break moments too. As I've always said, Keir seems to put an amazing spin on every thing and because of him, I've realised how to take thing positively. We have a happy little girl and honestly that's all we can ask for.

Throughout the week, it has got me thinking how have we gotten through all the bad news? It is all because of that smiley little girl I call my daughter. She is the happiest little girl I've ever met and honestly she makes everything so easy even when I do break my heart because of everything she has to face. Freya smiles and giggles every day and honestly she is just more incredible than I ever imagines. I need to think positively about everything because she is my main priority and I couldn't be any more proud of what she has achieved in such a short space of time.

Taking horrible news will never be an easy process but life puts a few bumps in the road and it is how you decide to get over them that is the challenge. I've decided not to dwell on bad news but to have the most positive outlook on everything that is thrown in our direction.

- E xo